Lately

Lately...

Feel so lazy to update blog. Well I must update something. But my brain is blank. Nothing inspire me & i think i live a very peaceful life only that filled wit some stress.

It's amazing that how life can be. Some people is happy wit just a simple plain rice + salted veggie while some ppl is sad wit Abalone rice + Shark fin soup.

These few days i realised How ppl can be easily happy maybe just a blended coffee in the morning or maybe a singing early in the morning. Rite? Did you ever put a smile on ur face the whole day by maybe a small things? It's just that the level of happy is how much & how long.

When u're kid's result come out & he gets average of 50% so u should be happy that he pass or be sad that he's result is just average?

I realise that i hav put down alot of things, I've put alot of thinking. I become less heating my temper & all i did is i cool down my brain. But of kos sometimes i still got heat up but wat can u do when u are born to be like that?

I admit that i had many more to learn and so my education still go on & my lecturer is all the ppl i meet everyday. It is for i to choose wisely wat to take & wat to throw...

So fren i know i'm kinda talking rubbish here but who cares? it's my blog :P

SheMale

Shemale is a slang term referring to a guy trans to a woman.

I hav a she-male fren who work wit me for almost a yr. Remember the first time i interview her, she show me her Identity card. I say i don mind as long as she willing work hard. Then we're fren till now for almost a year.

From her i know more shemales ppl. They are all the same like us gals. They are also very sensitive ppl who had emotions. They are also fragile inside their heart. In short they are also human.

I think Shemale is only a mistake made by HIM. We cannot blame anyone for being wrong. But who make the rules that guy must play cars and gal must play dolls? Who set the rule that guy must wear trouser & gals must wear skirts? Some ppl just stone head!

I really admire these shemale who hav the courage to be themselves & to ignore all those humiliation. At least they never had the intend to try to hurt anyone. Better than some ppl trying to hurt each other just for their own benefit.

Some ppl say it's not right for a guy to trying to be a gal. Then wat is wrong abt it?

I try go google but all i see is shemale porno site. It's because no one is trying promo them in a positive way. That's why ppl misunderstood them. But guys n gals also hav porno site so it's the same shemale also hav good & bad!

I also see alot of successful case of she-male married a man & they live happily ever after.

So you narrow mind ppl out there if you intend to hurt those ppl i can tell u there's retribution HA! So be careful of wat u're doing cos HE is watching us =)

To Write Love On Her Arms

Fpund out something very interestin on Fb today.... "To Write Love On Her Arms".... interestin!!!! http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=wall&gid=36235764583

This group is found in Fb and is dedicated to those who are depress, addicted, self injury & suicide ppl. very meaning full!

Life is so fragile and nobody deserve to contemplate suicide.

I totally understand it cos there are days when i really feel down and depress, pressure and frustration keep on pushing me. Then i really feel like ending my life & then just vanish like that. I hope to be like the ostrich that can hide my head inside a hole or a bear hibernating in the winter so that i don hav to face all those pressure.

But then I cannot be so selfish! I had my own commitment n responsibility. This will never end cos it will continue to pass to the one i love to carry on my duties. So i decided to Stand up! To Face the fact.

I'm a perfectionist. So i try to accept those un- perfect! I tell myself, life is like a roller-coaster. When u get up u feel very high, but must get down and while u're down u wanna go up. My fren told me this and which is very true... : "You cannot get wat u want, so You get wat u can"

I hope that those ppl who come across wit depression will stand up one day like me.... Love is all around & you are not alone. Stop the bleeding, Accept & Appreciate wat u hav rite now.

Life is like this...

Sometimes life is like a shit
it stinks & smelly but is good for fertilization...

Sometimes life is like a flower
it's beautiful but won't last long...

Sometimes life is like a rainbow
it's colorful but transparent...

Sometimes life is like a rollercoaster
it's scary but excited...

Sometimes life is like a music lyric
it's sometimes true but hurt...

i never forget you...

Yah i change the song of my blog to Noisettes - Never Forget You ...

Feel so nice to listen to this song.

I never forget you,

they say we never make it

my sweet joy

always remember me....

I wonder you still remember me or not? althought u so far away from me already. you hav ur own life and i had mine. But i will still remember u ~!!!

We was mischievous lol!! I wonder if we are together now will we still stay the same or break up?! Then i wouldn't had miss u so much?!!

We human is a funny animal... We always want wat we couln't get but when we got it we're always took it for granted... But still no matter wat I will always remember you...

Eminem — Beautiful

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everyone has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, and I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed
I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up
I don't know how I pry away
And I ended up in this position I'm in
I starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips, with the fact that
I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet
I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
Copy
One tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

Chorus
Walk my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that...
I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need fucking man servin'
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like that
Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you don't have to walk no thousand miles

Chorus
Walk my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sOoOoo

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everyone has a private world
Where they can be alone... sOoOoo
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through OoOo
Are you reaching out for me, and I'm reaching out for you sOoOoo Oo Oo

**********************************************

This song is so Fucking depress ( sorry for the harsh word) but it's complete wat i feel rite now... me! let's trade shoes, let's c wat's it like to be like me.... just to feel my pain and i feel yours!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfnmCOUieLw

離婚協議書 (轉貼, 作者:佚名)

嫁給這個男人五年了，我不知道我是否還愛他，記得剛新婚的時候，早晨時必定會在他懷抱中醒來，我總是紅著臉不敢說一聲早，怕嘴裡的口氣弄皺了他的眉，

漱口杯與牙刷堅持要和他用同款不同色，擺在一起看才有夫妻的感覺。

我會幫他打點上班 的衣物，什麼襯衫配什麼領帶，經過我的審美才准他穿上身。

起了床到餐桌上，為了他的健康，我每天變換不同花樣的早餐，晴朗的天可能是培根蛋加上烤土司，有些下雨的話，或許來點小米粥搭醬瓜鹹蛋，要是陰天，不如就吃些外頭的燒餅油條和豆漿，招式用到我變不出新把戲，可是我樂此不疲。

除了當一個賢慧的妻子，我亦毫不掩飾對他的熱情，「我愛你」是每天恭送他出門上班一定說的話，然後附加一個親密的吻，即使他大多時候只是淺淺一笑，也足夠我高興個老半天。

但是，五年過去了。

我相信還不到癢的時候，可是到底是什麼改變了我和他的互動呢？

早晨起床，他的位置往往已空蕩，只能由皺褶的床單證實他確實存在過，即使他偶爾睡過了頭或者小賴一下床，也絕對是急急忙忙由床上跳起來，匆忙的梳洗著衣。

我已經快忘了被他擁抱迎接朝陽的感覺，盥洗室裡的漱口杯，在幾年前被打破後，再也找不到一模一樣的，而另一個也因為掉到馬桶裡，所以也換了新的。

五年內，牙刷已換了不知幾支，甚至有時我們睡迷糊了，還會用上同一支，什麼口氣的問題都不需要掩飾了，是否一樣顏色，一樣款式，他說這些根本不重要。

因此，洗手台上Hello Kitty和小叮噹圖樣，漱口杯左右對峙，小叮噹的杯裡插著一支綠色牙刷，是我的，Hello Kitty則是空的，因為他前一陣子已改用電動牙刷，擺在架子上。

分屬兩個不同故事的漱口杯，以及位於兩個不同位置的牙刷，彷彿在嘲諷我們的夫妻關係，漸行漸遠。

因為他出門的時間早，打點他的衣著已經不再是我的事，他自己會搞定。

早餐呢？很久沒有一起吃了，我同樣不必費盡心思去想菜單、查食譜，反正沒人賞光，更不用說「我愛你」這句話，還有熱情的早安吻，他無福消受，而且現在說起來也有些矯情了。

仔細想想，五年來，他沒有說過一次「我愛你」，一次也沒有。

我和他相聚的時間，嚴格上來說是從晚上七點開始，也就是他下班回來之後，如果他加班的話，那時間可能要延到十點、十一點。

剛結婚的時候，我為了他去學烹飪，「要抓住男人的心，先抓住他的胃」，我深信這個鐵律。

所以，一些餐館名菜常出現在我們餐桌上，宮保雞丁、五更腸旺、蔥油雞、東坡肉……等。

見他吃得高興，我也開懷，雖然不全是我愛吃的，但是他愛吃就好。

飯後，我們會依偎在沙發上看電視，我陪他看新聞，聽他評論國政、批判社情，

他陪我看八點檔，聽我調侃劇情、大哭大笑。

所以我知道行政院長、立法院長是什麼人，他也知道當紅的李世民是誰演的。

我沒有料到的是，五年的時間可以改變這一切，烹飪班我可以說是半途而廢，不知道從哪天起，

他開始干涉我做菜的方法，宮保雞丁他不喜歡太多辣椒，五更腸旺他開始抵制，蔥油雞叫我別淋油，連滷東坡肉要放多少醬油，他都有話說。

我做的菜漸漸變得簡單，烹飪班也不想去了，有時候一盤炒青菜、貢丸湯和皮蛋豆腐就打發掉他，他反而沒什麼意見。

我想，我抓不住他的胃。

隨著他加班次數的增加，我們甚少在一起看電視了，除了現任總統是陳水扁，我對於國家大事可說一無所知，而他，問都不用問台灣霹靂火的男主角是誰他絕對不可能知道。

夫妻之間開始言不及義，他對我說的話，大多都是「不用等我」、「早點睡」，我跟他說的話，也幾乎是「你回來了」、「菜在電鍋熱著」。

我們沒有相同的話題，沒有相同的興趣，除了「夫妻」名義上的聯繫，我們的交流空泛的可憐，比普通朋友還不如。

多可笑的夫妻關係，不是嗎？

婚前，我們曾描繪著未來的願景，他說要生兩個孩子，先男後女，哥哥可以保護妹妹，我卻認為應該先享受一段兩人生活，生孩子的時情倒不急於一時，只是我不想壞了他的興致，並沒有說出口。

婚後一陣子，他很積極的和我「創造宇宙繼起之生命」，他想要孩子，從他不戴保險套的行為可以看得出來，可是我還不想要，又怕他不高興，於是我背著他吃避孕藥。

記得那時，他還興沖沖的帶我到醫院探視一名女性朋友，她剛生完一個四千兩百公克的巨嬰，神色萎糜的躺在病床上。

我忘不了他隔著一塊玻璃看新生娃娃時，眼中綻放的神采，可是我更忘不了，那位女性朋友用著虛弱的語氣告訴我，

她整整痛了一天一夜，才求醫生由自然產改為剖腹產，我更不敢生小孩了。

五年後的今天，他似乎已經放棄生小孩這回事，畢竟只有他一頭熱是沒用的。

可是，待在他上班之後空洞的房子裡，我突然覺得生個孩子也不錯，至少屋子裡會熱鬧點，我的寂寞，也會少一點。

他早就在數年前就開始用保險套了，我不清楚是什麼讓他改變心意，不過這也鬆了我一口氣，我對避孕藥似乎過敏，不論換什麼牌子最後都落得一個水腫的下場。

我猜他六百多度的近視加閃光，應該看不出我水腫前和水腫後有什不一樣，重點是他的保險套解決了我一個大麻煩，同時又帶來另一個新煩惱。

我現在想要一個孩子了，他卻似乎不想，我不知怎麼跟他開口，更別提他頻繁的加班，晚上常累得倒頭就睡，如果我再開這個口，似乎變相增加他的壓力。

兩個人之間，已經夠低潮了，不需要再增加一個會引起衝突的話題。

在我們戀愛的時候，他很喜歡帶我到淡水，坐在河堤旁看落日，沿著碼頭走一遭，可以吃到不同口味的各式小吃，淡水的海產頗富盛名，他似乎是識途老馬，總知道哪家是最道地的。

有時候，他帶著我坐渡輪到對岸的八里，那裡熱鬧的只有一條路，賣的全是孔雀蛤，兩個人可以吃掉一大盤，還覺得意猶未盡。

他也會和我騎雙人腳踏車沿著淡水老街騎到淡海，再由淡海騎回來，沿路的風景不算十分迷人，但有種質樸的味道，兼之海風鹹鹹的打在臉上，我很享受這種氣氛。

當然，坐在腳踏車後座的我三天打漁兩天曬網，心情好的時候才踩兩下，他明知我偷懶，還是賣力的踩，我很懷念，真的即使過了五年，那段回憶仍然歷歷在目。

婚後到淡水的次數，除了新婚那一陣子，幾乎屈指可數，近兩、三年更是一次都沒去過。

每到假日，他不到中午不會起床，我見他這麼疲倦，當然也不會煩他帶我到處走走。

假日照理說，我和他應該可以有些交集可是他累，我只能自己找事做，和在上班工作的朋友出門逛逛街，聊聊是非，也順便埋怨一下他。

至於在家睡覺的他，午、晚飯，自己解決吧！

他不知道，在前幾個月，我耐不住無聊，自個兒坐捷運到了淡水。

果然，太久沒有去了，那裡已經變成一個我完全不認識的地方，

河堤旁的小吃攤不見了，全部集中在捷運站附近，過去我和他看夕陽的地方整修成一條長堤，僅供散步，路面變得乾淨整潔固然是好，但是收藏著我和他美好記憶的地方，消失了。

沒有他的帶路，我找不到道地的海產店，找不到好吃的小吃，自己一個人也騎不了雙人單車，但我驚訝的發現，淡水多了一個漁人碼頭，可以坐公車過去。

漁人碼頭，他的腳步沒有踏上過，我先了他一步，這是沒有他，只有我的經驗。

到了漁人碼頭邊，風景美復美矣，卻有種人工雕砌的做作，我以為花了幾百元搭乘藍色公路可以到對岸八里，就像渡輪一般，但那失了古風的遊艇卻繞了一大圈後又開回原點。

除了顛簸的船身搖得我頭暈目眩，我記不起來什麼美麗的風景，連孔雀蛤也沒撈到一粒，淡水變了，我和他的回憶，也變了。

某個早上，我特地比他早起，煮了頓睽違已久的豐盛早餐給他。

然後，沒有第三者，沒有爭吵．我遞出了離婚協議書。

那是我第一次看到他那麼震驚的表情，如果那天是愚人節，我想我成功了。

可是，我不會開那般惡劣的玩笑，他知道我是認真的，他沒有像一般男人一樣，暴跳如雷，開始數落女方的罪狀，也沒有哭哭啼啼，跪下哀求我留下，他只是極力冷靜自己的心緒，默不吭聲的接下協議書，開門，上班，一如往常。

他或許也察覺我們的夫妻關係到了一個瓶頸，也打算仔細考慮離婚的可行性，他近幾年的疏離，我沒有流下一滴眼淚，可是他這天的冷漠，幾乎傾盡我五年的淚水。

我有些後悔，這後悔逐漸蔓延，以心臟為一個起點，通傳至我的頭頂及腳趾。

但後悔又如何呢？

不快刀斬亂麻，也只是拖著一個平淡如水的日子，兩個人乾耗。

我不知道自己對他的愛剩多少，更不清楚他對我的愛剩多少。

嫁給他之前，我就知道他沈默寡言，嫁給他之後，自以為能改變他的我，並沒有改變他多少。

我的愛，還不足以改變他，他的愛，亦不足以為我改變，這大概是關鍵所在。

柴米油鹽醬醋茶會摧毀愛情的甜蜜，我嚐到了，但這卻是用五年換來的教訓。

趁現在，沒有孩子，沒有牽絆，我也不貪圖他什麼，該是離婚最好的時機吧！

抖著手在離婚協議書上簽下名的我，交給他之後他出去幾個小時了，我仍然在發抖，

這是一種未知的惶恐，我等他給我一個結果。

他冷淡了我五年後，又凌遲了我七天。

從離婚協議書交到他手上之後，整整一個星期，他不與我說一句話，也睡了七天的沙發，每天仍然照常上下班，除了更加冷淡，我感覺不到他的喜怒哀樂。

那張協議書，就算扔到垃圾筒裡，還會有觸動垃圾袋的聲音，可是他，一點聲音也沒有，我懷疑他根本不當一回事，一段時間不理會我，只是在看我會不會自己忘了離婚這回事。

我受不了了，他到底要怎麼做呢？

連離婚，也要離得這麼漠然嗎？

然而，七天之後的他，結結實實嚇了我一跳，一早，我聽到他在客廳起床的聲音，隔著門板聽不真切，我卻一直等不到他出去上班的關門聲。

一陣乒乒乓乓的金屬撞擊，取代了他一向安安靜靜的作息，我終於按捺不住起身察看，卻在開門後，聞到了一陣食物的香氣。

「起床了嗎？吃點蛋捲。」他笑著，如新婚時我吻他之後那般淺笑。

我心裡狠狠跳了一下，原以為古井不波的情緒，因他久違的體貼，而起了絲絲漣漪。

他還是那麼輕易的，可以撩動我的心，我不清楚他怎麼可以混到九點、十點還不去上班，他接收到我的疑惑，也只是淡然一笑，身上簡單的服裝一點兒上班的氣息都沒有。

可能他，也有工作疲乏吧！

也可能他要宣判了，關於那張離婚協議書，看他神色自若的樣子，我默默吃著早餐，幻想著等一下他會說的話。

他會不會乾脆的就離婚了呢？還是在我面前撕了協議書呢？

不可否認的，我的心，傾向後者。

「我升上經理了。」

他的第一句話，出乎我意料，下一句話，卻馬上進入重點，轟得我措手不及，

「工作上的事告一段落，現在要好好處理家裡的事。」

工作是排在家庭之前嗎？我苦笑。

「工作安頓好，我才能給妳安定的家。」

他像在解釋我的疑惑。

「所以，告訴我為什麼要離婚呢？」

他終於問了，臉色變得嚴肅。

他從來沒有用過這種質疑的口氣與我說話，望著他難得的厲色，我竟一句話也說不出來。

「妳覺得我冷淡妳了嗎？」

轉眼，他的態度忽而又變得自嘲，弄得我丈二金剛，「我就知道妳一個人在家老是胡思亂想。」

我和他長談了一整天，數個小時的談話，有五分之四的時間我是在哭的，因為我覺得自己犯了一個滔天大錯，可是有些事，沒有那張離婚協議書，我永遠不會知道。

他說，五年來，他確實每天都是抱著我醒來，只是後來他工作忙，起床時間變早，而我仍沈睡著，不知道罷了，有時他還會親親我的臉，看著我貪懶的睡顏，他不忍心叫醒我。

而擺在盥洗室的漱口杯，他根本搞不清楚小叮噹是他的或Hello Kitty才是他的，他以為粉紅色是女孩子的頻色，所以他一直用著小叮噹的嗽口杯。

原來，我們一直在無形間，做著親密的唇齒交流，可憐了Hello Kitty，擺在那兒沒人用，成了個裝飾品。

早餐，他吃的都是7-11，他承認很想念我做的早餐，可是他不好意思要我每天做給他，他知道我會擠盡腦汁變花樣，他捨不得看我太累。

「我娶妳，是希望妳享福，不是要妳來當女傭的。」

從他這句話開始，我便止不住眼淚。

提到他的衣著，他更是笑我的傻，他看得出來我會為他添新衣服，按顏色花樣在櫃裡整整齊齊的分類擺放，而新婚時期我常幫他搭配，久了他也知道我的喜好，什麼領帶配什麼衣服，他是為我而穿。

至於熱情的早安吻，每天他早在我熟睡間給我了，我卻兀自鑽牛角尖，認為他不需要我的吻。

「你為什麼從不說你愛我呢？」我噙著淚水問他。

「我以為妳知道，否則我們為什麼結婚呢？」

他理所當然回答。

是啊！我知道，我一直都知道，不然我不會嫁給他的，可是既然知道，我又何必強求他說出來呢？

女人都是需要一些愛語滋潤的，我想這就是理由，看著我控訴的眼光，我想他也知道理由了。

「妳做的大菜，很好吃可是那些菜費工夫，也不全是妳喜歡的，所以我寧可妳做些簡單的菜，最好是妳也喜歡吃。」

他一句一句的解釋，又讓我掉了一缸淚水，「妳不喜歡吃辣，因此我要妳少放辣椒，妳不吃內臟，那我也不吃，妳怕胖，所以料理時我希望油加少一點，醬油鹽份高，吃多腎臟負擔大，為了妳我健康著想，調味即可，不必加太多。」

只要是我煮的，他都喜歡，想想每次準備食物給他，他沒有一次不是吃光的，到底為什麼我會覺得抓不住他的胃呢？

所以，我也抓住了他的心嗎？

另一件令我驚訝的事，他真的知道台灣霹靂火的男主角是誰，即使猜得不完全正確。

「是劉文聰嗎？還是那個李正賢呢？晚上在公司加班，同事都會開電視來看，所以我多少也知道一點。」他撫去我臉上淚痕，笑問：「妳也在看嗎？」

「嗯。」我又想哭了，我真是小覷了那個節目的收視率。

「當上經理之後會比較少加班，那我們就一起看。」

他說得輕鬆，我卻鼻頭一陣酸楚。

我在意的，其實不是看什麼節目，管他行政院長、立法院長是誰，沒有他在身邊，看什麼都索然無味。

我發現，只要願意，兩個人什麼事都可以談，連我跟他解釋台灣霹靂火的劇情，一路聊到整容話題，他也聽得津津有味。

是我，是我封閉了自己，以為他不願意聽我說話、不願意對我說話。

他心疼我一個人在家裡，聊公司裡的事怕悶壞我，又見我一副不想搭理他的樣子，他每天只能摸摸一鼻子的灰。

無論他跟我說什麼，我都是愛聽的，可是我現在才讓他知道，夫妻兩浪費了幾年的時間在這種誤解之間打轉，他活該，我也活該。

「我很少看新聞，都不知道國家最近發生了什麼事。」

我這句話出口得有些抱怨。

「好，我以後每天當妳的新聞台。」他溫柔的笑了。

聊到生孩子的事，他先是一陣默然。

「我想生一個孩子。」這時候，我有勇氣說出口了。

「我以為妳不想，剛結婚那一陣子，妳不是一直吃避孕藥嗎？」難得聽到他有些怪罪的語氣。

進一步了解之後，我才發現，他一直知道我在吃藥，或許是我哪次把藥隨便擱在化粧台上，被他看到了，他徹底了解我不想要孩子。

而他也知道，我吃完藥隔天會有水腫的現象，身子骨纖細的我，一雙腳腫得跟象腿一樣，也只有我這種人的鴕鳥心態，才會認為他不會發現。

後來我養成習慣將藥好好放在抽屜中，他以為我不再吃，怕身子水腫難受，所以他戴起保險套，說來說去，還是為了我。

「妳又水腫了嗎？一直哭個不停，是想把身體裡的水逼出來嗎？」

他居然敢揶揄我，免不了得到我飽以老拳。

他還是想要孩子的，聽完我說想生孩子，他眼下興奮的光芒大大的告訴我這一點。

只不過，那抹光芒在閃爍之後隨即斂去，他又正襟危坐的問了我一個問題。

「妳真的想生嗎？」

「想啊！我一個人在家好無聊。」

「只是因為無聊嗎？如果一個人在家無聊，妳想出去學東西、去工作、和朋友 去逛街，我不會阻撓妳。」

「你不是也想嗎？」我生氣了，縱然淚眼婆娑沒什麼說服力。

他開始說起那個四千兩百公克的巨嬰，原來那名女性朋友的經驗不僅嚇到我，也嚇到他了。

他不希望我生孩子還要受極大的痛苦，什麼剖腹產、自然產，他一點概念也沒有，只知道一定會很痛，他明白我怕痛，所以他捨棄了生孩子的想法。

「我不管，我要生。」明瞭了他的想法後，我更希望替他生一個孩子，身體裡流著我和他血液的孩子。

「那就生吧！」他悄悄的在我耳邊說了一句令我臉紅的話。

「你這麼有精力，不是上班很累嗎？」

我狐疑他話裡的真實性。

經他解釋，我才恍然大悟，就算工作累，他偶爾也有慾望，有時晚上摟著我，又看我睡得香甜，這種看得到吃不到的痛苦，他只能鬱鬱的悶在自己心裡，

面對他的心意，我，真的無言了。

在我像兩顆水蜜桃的雙眼略為消腫後，他催我換衣服，帶我出門。

已經好久沒和他一起出遊了，在兩人間的冷淡破冰後，坐在他身邊竟也給我當初戀愛的感覺。

我凝望著他專心駕駛的側臉，將他的動作姿態深深刻在心裡，因為我差點忘了，我和他之間還橫著一個問題，那張離婚協議書。

我要一輩子記住他的模樣，如果他最後仍是簽了名，可是，他應該不會簽吧！

否則，他何必和我討論生孩子的事。

「到了。」他停車，我也隨之下車。

海風迎面吹來，是淡水。

他也記得這個地方，這個我們記憶珍藏的地方。

「我一直想帶妳來，可是妳假日都和朋友出門，我只好蒙著棉被在家睡覺。」他如此說道。

這是個什麼烏龍呢？

我體諒他工作累，他體諒我和朋友出門，就這樣我們錯過了，一次又一次的相伴。

「你以後想幹什麼，可以直接說。」我惱火的盯著他。

「妳也是。」他正經八百的回視我，言下之意是要我別五十步笑百步。

說來也好笑，我們一直認為自己是在為對方著想，以自己的方式去體貼對方，這種自以為是卻導致了無數個陰錯陽差，一直到我開始懷疑自己不愛他，他也不愛我了，才驚覺這份愛並不是消逝，而是溶入了生活之中，自然的讓人忘了它的存在。

愛情的表現，可以是黏膩、親熱、奉獻、祝福，甚至是退讓，每個人的方式不同，會導致的結果各異。

我的方式是盲目的付出，他的方式是全然的關懷，乍看之下兩個人都沒錯，可是無論什麼方式，中間少了一種叫「溝通」的元素，就容易導致裂痕。

我們的婚姻，就是建築在這種缺乏溝通的空中樓閣之上，嫁給這個男人五年了，我以為我漸漸的不愛他，但只是一番簡單的剖白心意，我對他所有的愛再度復活，甚而轉濃。

女人會因男人長久的冷落而對愛情失望，也可以因男人一句話又對愛情充滿希望，

我不想和他離婚，一點兒也不想，當初硬著頭皮簽下名，或許只是賭氣，只是要他正眼看看我。

可是 ……

「那、那張離婚協議書……。」我要收回來。

「在公司裡。」他好整以暇，「公司的碎紙機裡。」

這個意思是… …？

「妳想離婚，等我成為亡夫時再說吧！」

我估量不出他說這句話，是不是在開玩笑，不過他又騙到我的淚水。

他真的很愛我，即使他沒有說過，我想如果我堅持離婚，他會放我走的，他捨不得見我難過，就像他見我掉淚又趕快摟住我一樣。

倘若，是他想離婚呢？

恕我自私，我是堅決不會放的，除非等我變成亡妻，同樣因為他捨不得見我難過，我自信可以留住他。

「淡水整個都變了，我都快不認識了。」

哄完了我，他連忙帶開話題。

「我來過，我知道有什麼景點。」

「那這次就要靠妳帶路囉！」

是啊！我們可以開創新的回憶，只要有我也有他，什麼時間地點都不成問題。

結婚五年，

我又發現了一次愛情。

完*

**************************

this is wat i found on the web few days ago and had abt 30,000 ppl comments & 100,00 ppl like it. But personally i really don like this. Cos i feel that this gal is very dumb & naive. Like I say eat full nothing to do think so many rubbish!

Really probably this story is for those Rich Ppl who's rich wife eat full nothing to do or those old aunty like my mum who no need work just stay home watch kids! but most of the gals nowadays will also work after married/ hav kids. Everyone will be bz earning money.

THAT GAL is very lucky cos she don hav financial prob or kid prob. so all her heart is think nonsense abt her husband. Bu

Come on ppl, go back to reality ~ if really like this happen, if u are that gal would u go for a divorce? Guys would u just sit there calmly n explain bit by bit to the wife...?

nah! who would still hav the time to sit at home think nonsense? duh!!

Curtin 2004

when i post in my shout out at Fb " wat to blog?!!" Colin comments: blog abt me!!! lol!! all those memories pop back...

Curtin Uni in Miri had all our sweet sweet memories!! I was always named by Colin " the walking Chimney" as I always smoke during breaks and as wat i call my smoke break: " Charge battery" lol... I bet we're the most popular class in that yr as I the OLDEST one will always start giving headache to our lecturers! We talk back to our lecturers, making friend with them so i bet most of them are impress... We even hav party at one our lecturer's house.

We hav lot's of parties, outing, watching movies. We'll always had steam boat BBQ when someone's birthday. Even there's no occasion we're also have parties at Simon/ Kok Ye/ Zai zai/ Colin's house. Then we'll play truth or dare which is just some silly truth or dare game. always ppl will take the dare and our silly task will be like sweeping the neighbor path/kissing some gals/ call someone to say I LOve You... duh!!! silly isn't it!! Then we drink and drunk and disturbing our neighbor who is also our Uni-mates ler lol!!!

Sometimes we go to watch movies together. I remember one time when we watch the " Six Strong guy"at the cinema. When half way we watch some smoke come out and then everyone were shock thought wat happen. Later found out there's some stupid guy smoke in front of us =S

Another thing wat we always enjoy to do... Ka-ra-OKing lol... When everyone was trying to get a hold wit the Mic!! Trying to become Singer of the night!!!

Hm... now i remember!! I am always the driver... sending everyone back to Senadin!!duh!!!

Now after 5 yrs everything had change.... I miss u all guys... I don wan to name u all one by one cos i scared i've miss anyone of ur names...

All i wanna say : Take care PPL you know who you are.... really miss all the time we had together. “For each petal on the shamrock this brings a wish your way. Good health, good luck, and happiness for today and every day.”

Insomnia

I was having insomnia for abt 4yrs and finally i was recover after my daughter was born. Most probably is because she took over all my time and all my mind is her her her.... then my sleeping hour become fix.. I sleep and wake up at the same time everyday... That's how my insomnia recover.

I never thought i would get Mr. I ( Short of Insomnia) back until the other day we're doing this glamour shot Promo. Starts wit cannot reach the 50ppl targets then My mother -in law last min cannot baby sit the kids and the staff hav transportation problem. I admit i'm a PERFECTIONIST! but heck I'm born to be like that. So for that one whole month ever since we decide to hav this promo I can't sleep. I start to headache the target, the money, the babies....

The nite before the event starts I sleep at 4.30am and wake up at 7am+ =S In the end I reach my 50ppl targets and of kos very hapi to see my competitor kena complaints la~ but all hav a happy ending....

now i really hav to find a way to cure Mr. I .... I know most ppl would say: counting sheeps, drinks warm milk, relax, hav warm bath, aromatherapy should be good, But sometimes when the poison gets too deep nothing would work. Really cos it's very hard to leave ur mind blank.

So here i Fig out some best way for me to Ask MR. I to go away

1. Dr. Tron :a bio-electron potential therapy medical equipment. . The function of this machine is to give purification to the whole body, enhance immune system, improves metabolism & regulating nervous system. So esp to those lazy to exercise, this machine is the best but the price of this machine is not abit cheap... LoL! anyway i'm not trying to promote this but it's the last option.

2. The body shop's Dreamy pillow & body mist: It has Jujube Dates which is say to promotes deeper sleep. This mist helps to soothes the skin n hav calming effects.

3. Imagine a black room and u're in it.... tell urself i don want to think of anything, I hav nothing in my mind... blank blank blank... ( lame but sometimes it work)

Lazy

bored + bored = super bored... don know wat to do.... I found out that i keep giving myself excuses n excuses to not getting some thing done ( i even force myself to Blog) all is be cos of 1 words : Lazy!!!

hm... Lazy can be cause by born to be lazy or a habit to be lazy... shees!!! ok lets not talk abt lazy...

today's google so cute... it's a Cookie Monster eating the Google words made by cookies lol!!!

Yesterday go to watch Ninja.... one word... "Boring" maybe b4 the movie start the show the Trailer for " Ninja Assassin" by Rain so most probably don expect much abt it...

Should watch the "This is it by MJ" should be more worth it... everyone is asking " You book already?"" the tickets should be fully book!!!" I say Hello!!! This is Brunei... How could it be Fully book? wit abt 3 big cinema showing it at the same time most prob 4-5 times per day for one week.... plus this movie only interested by ppl age group of 20+ to 40 wat...

sometimes those ppl will over -react.... unless u see tonz of tourist flooding Brunei then for sure the tickets' fully book...

I wonder why they did not show " Jennifer's Body" =( kinda disappointed...

Stress

Today i heard from the Radio, the DJ says... Stress is one of the routine of our daily's life. I think that stress is not given by other thing's / anyone, it's given by own's self. Everyone has their own desire and need. If one cannot achieve it or getting it we'll be start giving ourself pressure and this is how stress come from.

I totally understand that why ppl committed suicide. This is because the pain inside the heart and soul is so hurt that makes the brain feel so numb. All those hurts can be given by other ppl or one self.

It's always eazy to say relax, don worry be happy, don think too much. But yet how many ppl hav did it? How many ppl really understand that " stressed is desserts spell backwards??"

Now i try to clear my mind for everything. Just like my hubby say: " every things happen for a reason, so now wat we need to do is just be patience..."

Money

Money is the root of all evil!!! Money is never enough!!! Who invented Money is defenitely a devil :P So who the heck invented money? Some say the Phoenicians invented money~! well i don know is that true or not n thats not the issue of today...

When you first time receive your paychk of cos u'll use it to buy necessary and those unnecessary... probably u might donate some to ur families... then later on when ur necessary and those unnecessary increase ur amt of money being pay as salary will not be enough... then u will start to blame the company for not increase ur salary... later the longer u work the less money u hav left of kos probably ur assets are gettin more ( e.g cars, hi-fi, clothes & etc)

thats why ur money is always not enough!!!

marriage

A chatter of mine is getting divorce. I don know why... since he is so unhappy wit his marriage, he choose to end it but in the end he still unhappy. While we chat he Get mad at me saying to me "don be an smart arsh"

ok i say i don understand and maybe i don know....

Why A relationship for so long will hav to end up like this. Not that i never had a HUGE argument wit my hubby, but whenever a big fight is going to fight, anyone of us should leave the place so that nothing worst is going put of our mouth to hurt the others.

Why will a relationship turn sour? Because both ppl are not working hard enough to save it. I'm not being an smart arsh. I just don't understand since ppl are getting a divorce why they had to get married in the first place, vow for staying wit the other half no matter wat.

I really believe there's eternity love. But eternity love maybe only happens in the movie, or probably 3 out of every 10 couples. the rest most probably is become a habit.... a habit just to stay wit each other...

i ever read a joke:

B4 married, a boy fren will always bring the gal to watch movie. They will always sit on the couple sit which cost the tickets abt $10. After married, they will still go to watch movie and this time the couple will just only take for the Normal sit cost abt $7. But after having babies, they'll buy Pirated DVD $3.00 and watch at home.

Funny isn't it? But thats true and thats how the situation is. So we cannot blame anyone for the relationship turn sour, wife become too nagging, money always not enough. Before ur salaries is $2k per month, after married still B$2k... After havin kids probably u're salary raise to $3k but do u think all this will be enough?

Life is like a roller-coaster... everyone will always be in a nigeria symptom.... I'll just tell myself. Be patient, don worry, everything's gonna be ok cos thats not the worst of all worst...

dear dad~

This is a story abt a dad receive a letter from his son:

Dear dad,

I'm writing this letter to you in a very very sad and bad mood. First of all, I wan to thank you for this 15 yrs and I will always Remember. I was force to run-away wit Ahwen. I runaway without saying goodbye is because I don want to argue wit you. Hence I hope you do understand. I really love Ahwen. Even you dislike the stud on her tongue and her nose, the tattoo on her butt, but this is wat we call fad nowadays. You and mum will never understand.

You all dislike her, Ahwen say never mind, she will forgive you. Our love is not only abt sex but also abt feeling. Althougt she is Older than me but she say she don mind and hope that we'll love each other forever.

Ahwen is pregnant wit my baby. And you are going to become a grandfather. She say she will not do abortion and will give birth to more of our babies.

Pls do not worry abt our allowance. we'll grow lot's of marijuana and exchange cocaine wit our frenz. This will help hers reduce her pain. Hopefully one day her AIDS will be cured.

Your Son,

Adan

P/s: Dad, wat I write above is not true. Don't worry. Now i'm playing online games wit my fren at his house. No girl friend and No drinking. I just wanna remind you that in this world worst thing will happen. Pls open my drawer and look at my reposrt card. The result is very bad. Pls forgive.... or maybe if you are not angry anymore pls call my HP and ask me to come back for dinner ...

***************

zakat

Zakat, one of the five pillars of Islam, means giving one's small percentage of possesion ( wealth surplus) to the charity.

This few days' hottest issue is the ZAKAT funds hand by His Majesty the Sultan to needy families. Link:

http://www.jpm.gov.bn:81/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=456:his-majesty-hands-zakat-funds-to-4084-families&catid=41:news&Itemid=74

As stated, His Majesty the Sultan and Yang Di-Pertuan of Brunei Darussalam handed over abt $90-million worth of zakat funds to 4k needy families in Brunei.

This has made many Bruneian cries of Joy & happines. The whole market of Brunei become active again.

Just like i always say where can you get a leader as good as our Sultan. In this country you get so many benefit that you couldn't get in other country.

Idiots

Was recently go through a virtual fren's photo album in FB, Subject: My Fav Bikinis. She is sexy and make alot of pose but not too over. PPl starts to make comments some good and some bad. But the worst is " I WANT TO F*CK U" erm.... that guy has his FULL name and wit his picture....

isn't he feel ashamed of doing this? i just don't understand what is he trying to do? humiliating that gal or humiliating himself? He never saw gals wit bikini b4? go get a life

RIP Yoshito Usui

I just bought Crayon Shin-chan manga few days ago & i receive the news the creator's Yoshito Usui body was found below the mountain's Tomoiwa cliff. So sad, another talented guy gone so young =(

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/news/2009-09-20/body-identified-as-crayon-shin-chan-yoshito-usui

Selamat Hari Raya

It's the last day of Bulan Puasa and everyone is bz wif their shoppin. Me? bz surfing, baby sitting answering phone, houseworking....

life is bored. Every year the same. after this will be the x'mas season, then New year. talking abt new yr, wat's my new year resolution this year? I totally forgot! shit... getting Old~ ( i know i know many will scold wat do u mean by YOU ARE OLD - hmff!! ) but the thing is I'll tend to forgot things, getting eye bags ( ok ok thats cos i sleep late :P) my skin turn rough, i'm gettin tan =(, having digesting prob.

And now i'm thinking wat hav I been doing for the past few yrs? I've live glory and now ... I'm stuck here. Yes, it's a nigeria symptom which everyone hav to go through. I guess so.... there's no one's life is perfect. Everyone have to face the trouble.

Soooo... now i should start thinking abt wat's my 2010 resolution: as usual, good fotune, better luck & healthier, happier, hippiest kids =)

Selamat hari Raya to all my Muslim frens!!!

Veni, Vidi, Vici

i really hav countless blogs and i will always abandon it in the end. I hope this will be my last blog~

Vēnī, vīdī, vīcī

I first saw this words is on FB post by a fren means: I came, I saw, I conquered in Latin words. It was written by Julius Caesar. I was first impress by this word is because of Veni - close to my name Venie. Now i found out i ever come across this words b4, as in Ghostbusters, Bill Murray's character Dr. Peter Venkman says, "we came, we saw, we kicked its ass!". In Ocean's Eleven, Reuben refers to a man attempting to rob money from a casino and being shot, saying, "He came, he grabbed, they conquered."